Thursday, October 27, 2005

Christian Exodus

Sometimes there are stories that come around that are crazy and all you do is roll your eyes, take another sip of coffee, and forget about as soon as you've opened the next page of your paper. Then every once in a while, as your surfing your news online, you come across the crazy story that there's no room to print in a newspaper. It can only be published online, because if an actual paper devoted print space to it, their subscribers would demand a refund. However, in the world of the Internet, anything is possible. This isn't even close to being the craziest story I've ever come across...but for some reason it hit me as so ludicrous that I just couldn't leave it alone. Probably because people who think that "the South will rise again" crack me up, and anyone who seriously contemplates trying to break off from the rest of the country will give me giggles for at least 15 minutes. Ok, let's take this one step at a time. First of all, you have a group that (apparently) does not believe it can convert a large number of people to its way of thinking. So they want to get the 1000 or so people that they can brainwash together to take over one state. What in the world will they do after that? Take over North Carolina? I'd advise them to go with Tennessee. North Carolina may seem like an easy target with all of the "mountain" population, but they have two things that should be taken into consideration: The Cherokee Indian Reservation (I don't see Native Americans being too keen on this philosophy) and Research Triangle. The Triangle, by the way, could probably care less about being "redeemed" most of the time. Being forced to participate in religious practices would take them away from their scientific and technological pursuits....and I don't know about you, but I'd rather not get on the bad side of the people who are on the cutting edge of this country's science and technology. The things they're probably capable of doing in retaliation would give me nightmares for months. And Georgia has Atlanta; granted, that's a hotbed of sin if the South has one, but it would simply be too hard to start redeeming the country in Atlanta. They'll have to be forced to see the error of their ways after there are plenty of converts. Tennessee, however....well, I think most of the state would be an easier conquest than the other options (sorry, Jaime). Moving on in this breaking news story, we come to a statement by state senator Mike Fair who (crazily enough) gave this as his self-description: "narrow-minded, right-wing, fundamentalist fanatic." (go back and actually read the article if you don't believe me.) If the people of South Carolina re-elect him after he admits he's a fanatic about anything (I just don't want a "fanatic" about any issue making legislative decisions for me) then I say they deserve what they get from him. He's proud of the fact that he's narrow minded?? Was he wearing white sheets while he was speaking? Have I sufficiently expressed my incredulity? Should I use more question marks???? Thankfully the uber-conservative fanatic is leery of Christian Exodus. How he has the right to be suspicious of anyone, well....I'll figure that out later. Ok, next on the agenda: This christian movement sent an ACLU lawyer a "nasty" letter calling him a liar. Well now, that certainly embodies the principles of Christianity doesn't it? Somewhere deep in the book of Deuteronomy, in the middle of all those crazy laws, there's that often-overlooked verse about being as rude, abusive and obnoxious as possible in an effort to convince others that your way of truth is the only way of truth. In fact, all that turn the other check nonsense really means "insult your beloved neighbor out of the side of your mouth." As for the entire idea of secession, {sigh}, I'm not going to go near it. It's too crazy. What would they have, the Christian Exodus Homeland in the middle of South Carolina? Or would they take the entire state for their own? I admit, at first glance they probably feel that going into the South is the best place to start this movement - we all now the War of Northern Aggression is still going on, right in our backyards under our noses. However, think of this from a Good Ole Boy's point of view: "There's a group of people about 5 miles a way who tried to do some crazy thing like overthrow the government. Who knows why, that's not important. This is war - there are terrorists everywhere, and now this group of people wants to create their own country right here in South Carolina? I don't think so. We have enough to worry about with everyone attacking our homeland, much less my worrying about Eliza Jane going down to town on the weekends because some freak who wants to be president of "X" County can't keep his mouth shut." So then, Billy Bob will go get his friends. After a few beers, they'll get in their truck and forget about the whole thing. After a few more beers they'll remember they're supposed to be kicking some serious ass. But not exactly why. Then they'll remember there are terrorists in their backyard, trying to flirt with their sisters. Or daughters. Whatever. The rest will be history. As will the Christian Exodus movement, if they get on the wrong side of the wrong people. Or flirt with the wrong people's sister.

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