Tuesday, April 06, 2010
Well, this got embarrassingly long and loud, but we’re just going to hit publish without even proof-reading at this point
There are some things that I think every Midwife/OBGYN/Birth-Assisting-Person should be required to teach parents: Some people in this world are not going to have kids, and – steady now – that is ok. The world will not end, the Anti-Christ has not come to suck the life out of the precious babies’ lungs, and no one is going to take away the baby aisle at the grocery store. Some of us even *like* other peoples’ babies. In a few cases, we like the children those babies turn into, although that’s a slippery slope, because all of a sudden, BOOM, you’ve known this kid for 17 years and you loved the baby, tolerated the child and now have to figure out if you’re going to like the adult. That’s a lot of pressure – I mean, 17 years have been invested at this point, and you’d hate to think you’ve wasted their whole life making this decision. And you’re probably related to them anyway, so just make it easy on yourself and like them already. That last paragraph was completely off my point, which is, I do *not* want to have children and that is not the first half of a mathematical proof that ends with “therefore I hate all the babies”. It’s a simple statement of intention. So, Lady-that-is-convinced-that-I-am-(apparently)-a-“baby-hating-narcissist”**: Thanks for naming me “soul-less” baby haters. I like babies just fine, but I guess the only way to prove it would be to have a baby, and y’all: there is not enough rum in the world. Also, I don’t think I’m a narcissist, but do narcissists every really admit that about themselves? Wouldn’t they be too self-involved to be aware of their narcissism? I think that’s kind of a pre-requisite. I mean, there are there social groups like The United Narcissists of America getting together for Bingo and Bourbon on the third Thursday of the month? I might be able to get into that, come to think about it, but really: I think if you say you’re a narcissist you are either A) lying or B) in rehab. **She was involved in a loud conversation behind me in a (long) line, about the evil people who do not have children. I wish I had a transcript of this woman’s opinions, because they were many and they were LOUD. The loudest was “There’s something wrong with people who don’t want kids. They’re baby-hating narcissists.” And also on the baby front: (Strap yourself in because apparently I’ve needed therapy for this and things could get bumpy): choosing not to procreate does not make my life *less than*, it just makes it different. I cannot tell you the number of times that I've been told something along those lines in the last 10 years. You want to tell me you’re more complete as a person (were you missing an organ or a limb before the conception??),then I will absolutely help you celebrate your NewFound Wholeness and buy you wine and chocolate. I’ll probably bake you cookies, because hell, I bake cookies for everyone. You know why? Because I like celebrations, especially if they involve wine, chocolate and cookies. And if I'm baking you cookies, there's a good chance I'm going to like your baby enough to keep you in cookies for awhile. And this one Lady years ago … oh this one cracks me up, almost five years after the conversation happened. This lady tells me, upon hearing I wasn’t planning on having children – at the end of a long list of reasons why Children Are Important If You Want To Be An Adult, she adds: “You really should just try it once”. Please go back and re-read that, because I cannot even describe the brain-exploding that happened in my skull. Babies are not a new flavor of potato chip, Lady! You don’t “just try them out”, because can you even get a refund at that point? Do you see why I stay home with my wine bottles every night? If my OBGYN were reading this, she’d come out of retirement and sterilize me for FREE.